What to do.
I've spent all my life being social phobic; not just shy, not just socially anxious, but social phobic. Talking to people I don't know well terrifies me. As I was growing up, I didn't know I had social phobia. I just refered to myself as "shy", which was a completely understatement. My peers didn't understand just how badly I was terrified of talking to them. As a result, I have had pretty much no friends from middle school through highschool. The only friends I had were ones I had made in elementary school, but even then those were my sister's friends. I had never made a friend of my own. My sisters were always liked more than me. No one specifically cared about me or my feelings or cared about anything I had to say. I'd constantly be talked over and ignored.
So I always had this dream. This dream that, somewhere in the world, a friend for me existed. Not just a friend, but a true friend. A real bestfriend. A bestfriend who believed in me, who cared about me, who would listen to me and be interested in me, who would be attentive and loyal and where I would be the most important person in the world to them, and they would be the most important person to me. We'd do everything together, we'd laugh together and share the same interests. We'd had the same values and views on the world and we both would never give up on our friendship and we'd never forget about eachother. My bestfriend would truly care for me and especially cared if I cried; if I was sad they would do anything they could to cheer me up. And vice versa. That was my dream. My false hope. But it was a dream I needed, after years and years of lonliness, the only thing that kept me going was the hope that, one day, I'd find my bestfriend. But I knew this was a dream. It was a pipedream. It was so specific, it'd never happen. I never met anyone; I never talked to anyone, I was afraid of my own shadow. I was viewed as "uncool" and "uninteresting" by my peers, so who in the hell would ever view me as so important? But I believed in it anyways. I believed in it even though I knew it would never happen. I believed because I had to have something to hold onto, even if it was just a lie I told myself everyday. And that lie was the hope that my bestfriend was out there and we just didn't happen to meet yet.
Now try to fathom my unending joy when this bestfriend actually fucking exists. Right down to the last detail, right down to everything and anything I could have hoped for, he fucking existed. At first I was really skeptical as this bond between us was forming, I didn't want to be crushed by having false hope. But day after day, weeks, months passed by and he kept proving he truly cared. He'd always notice whenever I was sad, he'd know even when I was hiding it. We had the same brand of humour and would say the same joke at the same time, he was always interested in what I had to say, and he'd always be very attentive and would have a lot to say to me as well. He always wanted to know about what was going on in my life, he wanted to truly be apart of it. He cheered me up when I was down, made me feel so wanted, so appreciated, so liked and so loved. Eventually we fell in love. He was the first person who ever had given me that kind of love and care. He was the first person who listened to me and always wanted to hear more, instead of ignoring me and saying nothing like so many peers would. He was the first person who listened to the things that made me sad and he always made me feel better. He made me feel like I was worth something. He made me feel like I was real, and not just some unwanted ghost wandering around for people to ignore.
But now? He's gone.. he's been gone for a long time now...
And what did I hold onto before, in order to keep going, to live? My dream...
But now that my dream came true, and now is gone? I can't go back. I can never go back. I can't believe in my dream all over again, not when my dreams came true and then where obliterated... I can't believe in it anymore...
So what do I have to hold onto...? Nothing... absolutely nothing... that dream was what had kept me alive... I didn't put any failsafes in that dream because I didn't believe it would ever come true... so when it did come true.. I went all in.. I was overwhelmed and so greatful.. I gave everything to my bestfriend and more.. I sacrificed so much and I suffered so much because my friendship with him meant more than anything to me... he meant the world and more to me and I tried my best to make sure he knew that...
But life is cruel... it's like the devil planned out my demise so perfectly...
"Oh, that thing you always dreamt of, that thing that gave you hope to live another day? Well, here it is! Your life has been so lonely, here's your break. You deserve it, Here's your bestfriend."
"Oh, really?! That's so great.. Oh my god, I am so thankful... I am so happy... I can't believe this is real... I am so unbelievably happy..."
"LOL NOPE. JUST KIDDING!"
"But.... I........... you just took away my one true hope and dream, you know that, right....? ;_;"
"Well duh. You're not that special, you'd really think anyone would ever hold you in such high regard as a 'bestfriend'? Hah! You'd gotta be kidding me. You're worthless, and pathetic. Now go get a move on with your life. Oh, I forgot, silly me. You can't. Loser."
"I can't do anything anymore... all my will is gone.. all my hope is destroyed.. all I can feel is pain.... why did you do this to me....? ;_;"
"You did it yourself, you worthless sack of shit. Crap like this happens to people all the time. Buck up, get a move on!"
"But that was.. this was the one thing.. the ONE thing I had... and you take it away.... why... why.... ;_; If my bestfriend was just going to go away in the end, why did you even let me meet him at all! ;_; "
"Oh but you said it yourself. Life is cruel. Life is here to crush your dreams and make hope turn into something vile."
"I'm in pain all the time... ;_; I needed my bestfriend.. I really did... ;_;"
"Well, you know what they say. You gotta be okay all by your lonesome before you have the privilege of having anyone else in your life."
"But I was alone for years! ;_; I was alone, but I was okay ;_; I was alone for most of my life! ;_; 18 years.... ;_;"
"Well, doesn't matter. You're alone now and will continue to be because even your bestfriend doesn't have the time for you. He's been gone for what, now, two years? Four, if you're officially counting. Get a move on."
"Yeah, if I was like every other goddamn person who wasn't social phobic, you had their own friends all thier lives, who had parents that truly cared, who had SOMEBODY that would care if they were sad! ;_; Who did I have?! No one! No one to hang out with, no one who specifically wanted to spend time with me. No one ever cared about me! And my bestfriend did, he truly did, he'd show it, he proved it, and now he's gone! ;_; nothing's the same! ;_; it never will be! ;_; and you know what?! I tried the mindset "find a new bestfriend", because THAT'S what everyone kept telling me ot do! Still have hope, your bestfriend's still out there! Well you know WHAT?! All that's out there is a wolf in sheep's clothing, that's what! Some stupid fucking idiot acting like a white knight, gonna fix my heart and save the fucking day, turns around and betrays me in the worst way possible. No! Fuck it! I gave the world a shot, and the world bit me in the ass! No! I just want my bestfriend, the ONLY bestfriend that I have dreamed of, my bestfriend WHO WAS MY DREAM COME TRUE. If I can't have him, if he's gone, if I'm just shit, then so be it! That's IT. I'm SICK AND TIRED of people telling me to find a new one, like it's something you can buy off a shelf. No! It was special, it was something to be cherished and treasured always! But it's gone now! So fucking fine; life, the devil, cruel fate, whatever you want to call yourself. You fucking win. But I'm not ever, EVER going to let ANYONE in again. Not even fucking close. I'll drag myself through life, miserable as all hell, but at least NO ONE else will EVER be able to make this damage hurt SO MUCH WORSE. Fucking FINE, life, you want me to be miserable? YOU WIN. I suck! I should have died when I was a goddamn premature baby, and I should have! I didn't ask to be apart of this world, no one asked ME. I don't want to be here! The pain is too much and it never leaves AND EVERY FUCKING DAY IT GETS WORSE. But fine, it's my "duty" to be here for shits, THEN FUCKING FINE. But don't fucking expect me to EVER let anyone in EVER AGAIN. I am DONE with people. DONE."